Still five whole hours til I see Dr. X. Ugh. I wish this wasn't Thursday because, after I see her today, it will be four days before I see her again. I always dread those four days, but they never turn out to be that bad. I wonder why I continue to dread them then. Strange. I feel cranky and angry and back in that hopeless place again. It's a little odd to me to be feeling this way when I felt so happy yesterday. I think I was still feeling the effect of being in class the night before. I always feel happy and hopeful after class. Then I go back to real life - no money, not enough time, feeling guilt for the terrible way I take care of my kids, no desire whatsoever to be homeschooling them, and no fucking way out. NO WAY OUT!!! I feel trapped. I know I just told myself that it's not true that I'm trapped anymore. That it was like that when I was a kid, but it's not like that anymore. But I'm not feeling that way today. It might not even be true. I mean, honestly, I am pretty much trapped by my stupid circumstances. Why, why, why did I let myself get here?! And is there really a way out? I think that I can eventually wiggle my way out of this mess, but not yet. I don't have the resources. I don't have the support I need. I don't have that many options. It's like being offered a million dollars to do 100 pushups. I could EVENTUALLY work up to that, but right now I can't even do ONE fucking pushup. I'm fat, and lazy, and out of shape. I'm at the mercy of my own weakness. I'm at the mercy of myself. I'm at the mercy of the person I've allowed to act (and think) on my behalf - his weakness, his out of shape life, his laziness. And even if I could manage to get out from under the husband and strengthen my own muscles, I'm pretty sure it would take too long to win the million dollar prize. Ugh.
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